Six marriages later…

Yes, you read that right, SIX marriages later and I am still trying to understand why marriage will never work for me. I can certainly tell you the reason why each one didn’t work out. Whether it be age, immaturity, abuse, lack of commitment or just simply it should have never been a marriage.

There’s a story with each man, each phase of life or season, however you want to define it. One thing I know for sure, is that in my mind living happily ever after meant marriage and big family to me. As crazy as it might sound, I got exactly what I wished for, but certainly not the way I ever dreamed.

If you read one of my earlier blogs then you know my first marriage was at 16 to my high school boyfriend. As a means to keep from going to juvenile detention center and just being scared, this how my marriage journey began. I remember the day my boyfriend and I talked about it, he said I love you and I want to marry you. I looked at him and said, are you sure we love each other enough to get married? In later years and a lifetime later, that question was the right question.

In fact, at the beginning of each of my marriages I knew exactly what the reason was that the relationship would not last. Each one had a deal breaker as to why it would not be forever for me, yet each time I said yes and tried again.

Each time they ended, it reaffirmed my thinking that none of them would ever last. Eventually, I went into any relationship looking for the one thing that would cause it to end, never really giving the guy a chance if I am being honest.

Did I love any of them? Absolutely, as crazy as it might be to think you can find love that many times, I did. But, with each one it was in a very different way. Most likely because I never knew what it meant to completely love someone, unconditionally without reservation. I did love each one the only way I knew how and each one loved me in the only way they knew. It just wasn’t whole heartedly unconditional love that was enough to make it through anything and everything.

Now, let me also say that I have lived through abusive relationships in some of these as well. All types of emotional, mental and physical abuse did happen. I dealt with partners that were children of abusive homes or addiction issues. So, it’s not as if I have an ultimate fear of commitment or don’t want a long term relationship. But, for whatever the reason I have been drawn to broken individuals or I was broken and they have tried to “fix things”.

I am sharing this part of my journey for context mainly, to give some background on the situations I have endured. So, when I blog in the future about challenges as well as God’s grace, redirection and mercy it all ties back to my testimony about my Faith.

I used to be highly embarrassed about this part of my life. I would keep my personal life extremely personal. I would share very little with friends and would never share what my life was about at work or with coworkers. I would never even consider having a coworker on my social media platforms either.

Over the past few years, with God’s direction He placed it on my heart to own my story. So, that mindset of embarrassment has changed in so many ways. My closest and most respected relationships are with some of my coworkers, that have also been some of the strongest voices in my healing. They are on my social media and I share my personal life moments. We have some of the most honest conversations and accountability of each other that I have ever had in my life relationships.

I am more open on social media, I share my story in this blog and I am working to build a presence on other platforms. I speak openly about the trials over the past few years. I have openly spoke about the assault in 2021 as well as my counseling success and have started sharing my childhood traumas with my daughter.

All of these changes have occurred because I stopped being embarrassed about the life I have lived and most importantly the six marriages. I trust God and I know that His plan was in place long before the first I do and the last divorce.

I also know that with each step of owning my story I get closer to the love that I deserve from myself. Because if we are being completely honest, this all starts with the lack of self love and looking for the happily ever after in someone else rather than in myself.

Now, will I ever get married again? No, I won’t. I know that the right man will understand that it isn’t about the certificate of marriage, it’s about the commitment of unconditional love. I know that God will not place another broken man in my life and that when a relationship happens again; I will not be the broken woman with the lack of self love.

So, let’s count this blog as one more step towards my healing, sharing my testimony and owning my story. We all have one and none of us should be ashamed to share what we have lived through. And today, in this moment, I would not change one single thing to live in the life of God’s love. I am living my happily ever after every single day.

~Many Blessings