Her Resilient Journey

Enlightenment

September 8, 2025

Uncategorized

As I continue to research and understand the world in various ways, I have become very focused and enlightened by the truth. I know what I believe now is not the historical “norm”, but it resonates within me greatly.

I grew up in the Catholic religion with my grandparents and parents, before my parents divorced. Once they divorced; religion or faith was never a priority in our lives.

As I grew older and tried to form my own opinions, I never felt like I belonged in the Catholic church. I didn’t understand why we didn’t have Bible’s to read ourselves and why the Priest was the one interpreting the Bible for us. It just felt like it wasn’t right. I don’t know why I felt that way, but it did so I never attended the Catholic church much more as I grew up.

I have attended some other religious places of worship, but still, they never made me feel whole or like it was where I wanted to be. Searching for a church “home” just made me feel more lost. So, it’s fair to say I never made it a priority to attend church.

Over the past year of healing, I was looking for a deeper connection to God and decided to revisit the Catholic religion. I practiced Lent this past spring, dedicating every morning to prayer and Catholic guidance.

I am not going to lie; it was very emotional for me. It did allow me to realize things that I was holding onto that were still hurting me. Past relationships or even childhood stuff that was lingering deep in my heart.

As I moved through the season, I still felt lost and not connected to God like I truly wanted to be. I also felt more guilt, sadness and shame than I ever did before. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and that’s why I couldn’t feel connected to God. It was heartbreaking and left me wanting to isolate myself more than ever before.

Then I found some information that started to open my eyes to other possibilities on how to connect with God. So, my research began in another direction outside of the Catholic teachings.

Again, I know what I believe now is not what the majority of people believe and not many will agree with my thinking.

I believe that Christ is within us, and we do not need a religion or church building to connect with God. I believe when we remove the intermediaries and that when we stop looking outside of ourselves for God that we will have inner peace.

In my opinion, I am the body of Christ and all I need to do is be like Him to have the connection that I have been longing for my entire lifetime. Above all else, show everyone including yourself love.

When we stop looking outside for the love, peace or validation of God we will find He has been right here with us all along. There is no place in the sky called Heaven, it’s actually within your very soul.

This enlightenment didn’t come to me on a whim, and I have spent months researching organized religion and the history of how it all began. I feel different in an inspiring way than I did after I tried to reconnect through religion.

My soul feels whole, loved, at peace and enlightened in ways that are difficult to explain unless you can open your mind to a truth that most won’t consider.

If you have felt that you don’t fit in or don’t belong or lost in general, then you might be able to relate. If you are looking for a better understanding, then I highly recommend looking at how and why religious organizations were created. I would also advise looking into the truth about Jesus and His name then what was hidden from the Bible. There’s so much more to understand but if you seek the truth, you will find it.

~Many Blessings

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Changing the story…

September 5, 2025

Friendship, God, Love, The Why, Uncategorized

If you have read any of my previous posts, then you know more about the tribulations I have experienced than most people will ever know. I would be lying if I said I never thought “why me?”

My path hasn’t always been a happily ever after story, but rather a constant learning. I call it learning rather than challenging because I truly believe that that’s the purpose for it all.

I believe my core that it all happens to really teach me. I have indeed learned a lot. I have learned how tough it can be as a kid in this world, without a solid family unit. I have learned that relationships are temporary when you surround yourself with people that don’t have love in their hearts.

I have come to learn that life doesn’t happen to you, you have to make it happen. I don’t wait for someone else to experience everything this world has to offer. I don’t sit at home waiting on someone to join my life to travel, explore, live concerts or anything else.

I am constantly looking for ways to improve my healthy habits, my knowledge, and my relationships with my kids and grandkids. I am breaking generational habits, decisions, goals and knowledge about many topics.

Having opened my mind to understanding religion, education, politics and history more deeply has taken me down many roads. In all my research, I have become more interconnected with my true self. I am not done by any means, but I am feeling more completeness as I follow my own beliefs.

Not the beliefs of family, traditions, or governed institutions. Instead, I am understanding my core belief of everything. My truest relationship as self with Christ.

As I have taken myself down these many paths and directions of research…I have enlightened spiritual experiences. My dreams have become more vivid and there’s an internal peace like never before.

I am happy, more genuine, compassionate, loving and kind than ever before. I am seeing things in a different light and grateful for the insight.

These feelings didn’t come easily, they came with honesty with myself, forgiveness to everyone that ever hurt me and most of all with myself. I let go of the guilt or shame I felt for not living the “perfect life”.

I now look internally to find the peace and love needed. When I talk or meet new people, I treat them with complete love and kindness. If they choose not to mirror the same, then I wish them well and let them go without any sort of ugliness.

As we know, everyone is on their own journey. Some will appreciate my new perspective on life and others will see it as crazy or uncomfortable to be around.

I have every intention of writing more about my journey, but I am so involved in the research that I rarely make time to post these days. I have a few drafts I am working on and hope to be more disciplined in the near future!

~Many Blessings

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How to be a Mom?

July 30, 2025

childhood, divorce, Faith, God, Love, Mom as a Teenager, The Early Years, Uncategorized

I couldn’t decide how to title this post; it seems like a simple question but is it really? In all that I am starting to understand about myself these days, I am accepting there is a core foundation in my childhood that fell apart early.

At an early age of 9, all I can remember is my parents fighting. My mom always yelling at my dad and my dad coming home late all the time. Then eventually, he wouldn’t come home for a few days. By age 10, I was wishing they would get a divorce so they would stop arguing. I just wanted the fighting to stop.

My mom was probably falling apart during these years, but I wouldn’t really know that until much later in my life. In my memory, all I remember is my brother and I being sent to our rooms all the time. When I would peek out the door, she would be listening to music, smoking a cigarette and drinking Dr. Pepper. Completely ignoring the rest of the world and us.

By age 11, mom and dad had separated, then came a divorce along with a child custody battle. I will never understand the custody battle other than it was a pure fight between the two of them to continue to hurt each other. Which of course hurt us, confused us and still made me feel alone. I won’t speak for my brother; he’s much more closed off with his emotions than I am.

When it all came down to it, mom won the custody case and before age 12, she sent me to live with my dad and his girlfriend. That’s probably where I began to have abandonment issues, but quite possibly it could have been earlier with the lack of attention or a nurturing love.

As I type about these earlier years, I realize that I was just living in constant chaos from an early age. From my parents’ divorce to my dad’s insane relationship with the woman that assaulted me to the next relationship with the woman that gave me the ultimatum of juvenile detention or marriage at the age of 16.

It truly is a God Story when I think back over the years and all that has been endured. In the moment, you don’t realize it, but you are surviving every single day. Every decision whether I made it or someone else did, I was just trying to figure it out the best way possible.

So that’s brought me to a pivotal moment recently on how did I become a Mom? I don’t mean in the physical meaning, but how on earth did I even know how to do it?

How did I know to create a safe space for my children, a home of happiness and fun. A place of acceptance and forever love. A foundation that says this is your home and you are always welcome. I will forever fight for you and forever have your back. My kids know I am not perfect, but they know they can call on me when it matters.

I realized not long ago that I was genuinely trying to figure out how to be a mom, loving them with my entire self and provide as best as possible while trying to grow up.

I can assure you that I messed up a lot. I can proudly say they never experienced the same hostile environment as I did as a child. Neither of them was a victim of the same childhood abuse traumas. I worked hard to make sure they were kids as long as possible. I didn’t have chore lists or teach them to do laundry, I knew they would learn those things when they were grown.

For reference, I didn’t know my mom from ages 12-24. She was in my life on a very limited basis. I am grateful I finally got to spend time with her and get to know her later in life. But as you can imagine the time without her made me want to be everything that she chose not to be for me.

On this earth we don’t understand many things, but as you put your Faith in God it brings the clarity and the love that you are looking for in each person including your parents.

I found forgiveness for my mom that I didn’t know I needed to give her or myself. I thank God daily for grace in the pieces of me that I kept hidden for all this time. Of course, they were never hidden from Him.

~Many Blessings

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Dreams…Part 3

June 4, 2025

Faith, God, Love

I have some pretty intense dreams. Sometimes they are so surreal, vivid and meaningful that it’s hard to believe they are just dreams. I had a dream about someone that is hurting in the early morning hours.

Not only did I feel his pain, his loneliness and true desire to be connected with someone. I saw his face, which never happens in my dreams!

I didn’t understand the dream and when I woke up I felt somewhat confused. Trying to understand the man hurting and how was I connected.

But as the day has went on, God has made it clear I need to pray for this man. I saw his tears in the dream and felt his sadness. I’ve prayed for him all day long. I truly hope that he feels them.

I pray God has comforted him today. Then as I type this message, was the dream a self reflection of my own life.

God has a way of placing things in perspective. 🤍✝️🤍

~Many Blessings

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The Real Breakthrough

May 29, 2025

Faith, God, Love, Uncategorized

It seems that all over my algorithms on social media are posts about biblical breakthroughs are coming, the blessing is coming, you are about to be leveled up and all of that. And I couldn’t figure out why these types of posts left me feeling empty or like I am missing something.

Then this morning, I just decided to have a conversation with God. I didn’t know what was on my heart but I just knew that I have been chasing something and begging Him to bring it to me. Then, it hit me…I already have it.

What if instead of “looking” for the next level breakthrough that you just accepted that you made it and that’s exactly where you are…this IS the breakthrough.

I have spent so much time working on a better version of myself for my kids, grandkids and of course for God and myself, that I kept thinking it wasn’t enough. That there is more to be done. I know that’s partly true, but if I am always trying to look for the next level then I am missing the moment of now.

So as I think about all the success that has happened, especially in the past couple of years, I have absolutely made it to the breakthrough. I know God’s blessing; I just had to sit quietly and talk to Him about it. As soon as I spoke the words it’s as if everything became clear.

It’s this unbelievable feeling that I am doing it, I am living in God’s blessings and all I had to do is receive it. I am so far from perfect and I am learning so much on how to have a real relationship with Him. I realize there isn’t a certain way to pray now, it’s about just talking to Him about everything. This clarity is so validating and I have a feeling of pure peace.

I believe the real lesson for me is to not get wrapped up in the social media speakers that talk about what is coming to you, but rather seek within to love yourself. You will never find the true form of love from the outside and material world. That is the real breakthrough.

~Many Blessings

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I can’t pretend.

May 9, 2025

Faith, Friendship, God, Love

I don’t have any close friends and I have determined it’s all my own fault. I can’t do fake, I can’t act like something is okay when it’s not. I can’t be dishonest or lie in any way shape or form. I actually despise when someone cannot be honest. I genuinely don’t understand why someone would ever lie. What happens in someone’s mind that they don’t owe you an honest answer or the truth about anything?

And it honestly pisses me off that someone decides I cannot handle the truth so they lie about things. In the moment they lie, they have made the decision that I can’t handle the truth and that’s not their choice to make. To be quite frank, if you know me at all then you know I have dealt with my fair share of trials so I can most certainly handle the truth about anything.

Obviously, I know there are reasons people don’t tell the truth and I would dare to say 99% of the time it’s because they have either done something wrong or something they are ashamed of. I get it, but I don’t. I have done plenty that has caused some embarrassment or was a mistake, but I own it.

As much as people talk about trust and wanting loyalty, they really don’t know how to handle it when it comes along. Or they aren’t sure how to respond to it so they keep their distance.

I have had friends throughout the years that I truly thought were close friends, even like family in some cases. But, as I sit here in this moment, I have severed ties with most all acquaintances from the past few years. Because now, that’s all they ever really were, not friends but acquaintances.

I realized I was showing up for people that wouldn’t or couldn’t do the same for me. Especially when I really needed a friend. I also realized I was the one everyone called when they just didn’t have anyone else to hangout with.

What I thought were friends were really people that wanted the latest scoop on my personal life, dating disasters and travel experiences. They didn’t want to really get to know me or me know them. It was all superficial and fake. And wow, what a realization!

If you have read my previous blogs then you know about some of the life circumstances that have occurred and why relationships have changed. But at the time, I didn’t understand it and it was hurtful.

Nowadays, I am not invited to anything any longer. These acquaintances have stopped asking me to come to any events or I have declined the couple of pity invites that have come my way.

A few reasons why… it is almost always surrounded by alcohol, which isn’t an issue for me but I have noticed if I don’t drink I am making them uncomfortable. If I do drink then it’s okay but they only want to talk about things I don’t or what I do not want to share anymore.

I stopped talking to them all about my personal life and when I did or when they do ask, I make it clear I am not dating anymore. So it seems they don’t have anything else to talk about. It’s strange honestly, but very eye opening.

I also can’t pretend that I am enjoying myself with people that truly don’t have any substance or interest in being a true friend. Is that awful?

I am so honest that when someone asks my opinion, I tell it to them straight. It’s typically a shock to them which just confuses me all together. Talk about lack of appreciation for a true friendship when the person is upset by what is said, especially when they asked for the advice or opinion!!

So, it’s come down to a lot of solo time. Solo travel. Solo dinners and much more all because I can’t pretend to be someone I am not anymore. I have spent so much time self reflecting on my life this past year that I know what I want but more importantly what or who I don’t want in my world. Just another sign of healing, self improvement, and honesty with myself.

~Many Blessings

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Feeling a little lost is okay today.

May 5, 2025

Uncategorized

Not sure why I feel lost these days, but I do. Nothing is wrong. Everything is actually really good. But, something is causing me to feel lost. Like I am supposed to be doing something.

I have all these ideas swirling in my mind of what I could be doing, but nothing seems to click. I talk to God all the time with prayer time each morning to just sit with Him. Looking for the guidance of what to do next. I know there’s something, but finding it isn’t like a real lightbulb moment.

I have decided to make a move to downsize my townhouse to a small studio apartment. I am just tired of the clutter and stuff, it’s everywhere and I just don’t need it. A cheaper place is part of it, but a clean slate is what I am truly looking forward to with this move.

Then, I am exploring what else I can learn. I read more than I ever have which is great but what else? I watch podcasts to keep up with current events. I workout often, eat good and always researching the best supplements. Mentally in a great place of staying healthy overall.

My kids and grandkids are all great, working, school and all that jazz. Everyone is healthy, happy and safe.

So, what’s my problem? I honestly don’t know and I am pretty sure it’s not coming to me on this particular blog, but’s a real feeling.

Where do you go when you know your supposed to be doing something and you don’t know what it is?

For me, I will just keep doing what I am doing…taking steps forward each day. Staying faithful to my relationship with God and a healthier lifestyle. Then, I suppose it will be obvious when I need to change directions or do something else…whatever it might be.

~Many Blessings

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Dreams…Part 2

April 5, 2025

Faith, God, Love

Not all of them make me happy…sometimes I have to fight.

It became clear to me years ago that God has saved my life many times. I truly believe with everything in my heart that He is the only reason I am here on earth today.

At some point I intend to retrace those moments and catalog them more clearly but for now, I want to continue to visit how intense my dreams become not only when I am feeling God’s presence but also when demons visit.

I understand how crazy this may sound and I don’t always speak about my dreams for many reasons. Sometimes it takes time to process them but other times they are so intensely felt that it’s too emotional to share them.

This one is not a happy dream story, it had me upset for several days and I am not sure exactly how to share what was felt, other than it was fear, guilt and remorse.

I went to Vegas for my birthday earlier this year with a friend that is going through a difficult divorce. When I invited her, I halfway expected that she would cancel on me since the weekend we were going was my birthday and her anniversary. To my surprise, she was a trooper and we ended up going.

I want to say that we had a great time; we rode the roller coaster, we shopped, ate some great food and had many drinks. I personally had too many and didn’t realize the triggers of why until weeks later.

As you know from earlier posts, I quit drinking and I have dealt with some traumatic events. Somehow they all came to me in Vegas. I can process through it all knowing I am better now. But, what I have to learn is that I need to be aware of the triggers.

So now, when I think about the trip I don’t recall the good time, I remember the dream I had when I came home. My dream was so real that I truly felt as if I was alone and dying because of my choices to drink that weekend. I know how crazy that sounds and I know that I didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s how I felt.

The dream itself was of me laying in a hospital bed in a coma, alone and dying because of alcohol. The feeling of this situation was so real in my dream that I believe I actually quit breathing when I was asleep. Normally, I wouldn’t put that amount of heaviness on it but too many times I have woke up fighting with my demons.

What I know for certain is that I have felt God’s love, his kiss on my cheek and I know when He is in my dreams. I know when He hears me pray in the night when I can’t sleep and how He answers when I ask for peace.

So in knowing all of that, I also know that demons will fight to keep you from having peace. I have seen these dark spirits in my dreams when I am getting closer to God. They will do anything to corrupt your mind as you grow in your relationship with God.

I have literally fought with them when I have quit drinking too. I remember one dream where I was fighting with them to leave me alone and they were pulling my sheets off the bed. I was trying so hard to keep them on me that I was screaming at them when I woke up. I found myself sitting up in my bed holding onto the sheets, sweating and upset.

It has become so obvious to me during my dreams when they are in them that I begin to pray during my dreams or I tell them to leave me alone. It’s difficult to explain it all in writing how I feel about the dreams sometimes. But when I have shared them with a couple of close friends that are always amazed at what I am explaining.

When the demons visit my dreams it’s usually a message regarding something or someone I have allowed in my life that doesn’t belong. Whether that be related to drinking or a trigger of some sort, I try to take it as a reflection rather than allowing the fear to set in. I believe that if I allow myself to be scared of them, then they win a part of me.

When I dream knowing all love and peace is when I feel God or the Holy Spirit in my dreams. I can literally feel them guiding me or showing me things that are so incredibly vivid and beautiful. I can close my eyes and see places that are heaven or other places outside of heaven and earth. I truly wish I could share the places in my dreams so everyone could see what God has for us outside of this place.

Keep dreaming.

~Many Blessings

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Random Thoughts

April 4, 2025

Faith, Love
There are many times I am listening to a podcast or reading something when a comment or conversation really catches my attention. Someone will speak authentically about a topic that I can truly relate to, so I save it as a note in my phone. They are random in most all cases but sometimes I truly believe the thoughts are placed in my heart and mind by God.
- Your past is something you just know. It doesn’t define you unless you give it the power to. You must live in your now and not in your past.
- My traumas are just the past. How do I share them authentically with people so others do not find themselves in the same situations or understand they are not alone in their own life experiences.
- Compassion to self and to others. We truly have no idea what someone is going through or what they have endured.
- I want to make the world a better place because I was here.
- The key difference between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems is their function: the sympathetic system prepares the body for “fight or flight” responses, while the parasympathetic system promotes “rest and digest” functions, helping the body relax and conserve energy
- The voice of suffering is sympathetic questioning yourself. Which is a negative story.
- The voice of pain is parasympathetic and quiet. Allowing the healing to happen.
- Pain is mandatory. Suffering is optional. Equals life.
- Who I am. I am exactly who I say I am because I have been able to get through this shit.
- I want to share as powerfully as I can regardless of the consequences.
- Think. Create healthy boundaries. Be accountable to self and to others.
- Traumas will always haunt you. It’s how you handle them that matters. It’s about letting it be, not letting it go. Find acceptance and peace.
- More vulnerability leads to more growth. It’s the ability to be yourself and share yourself.
- Tell the truth no matter how much you have fucked up.
- Stay true to yourself.
- Your last bad decision doesn’t have to define you.
- TGIF = Today God Is First
~Many Blessings
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I am my Hero.

March 23, 2025

Uncategorized

Just my thoughts for today…

So while I was scrolling on social media, I came across a podcaster that made such an impactful statement that it brought me to tears. I won’t be able to say it verbatim but I will summarize…You are the person that would have protected the child version of you. You have grown into the person that would have protected you and kept you safe. The child version of you would have wanted to sit next to you and would have loved you. You are the hero of that child and you should be proud of yourself. Sit with that knowledge and accept it. You are the Hero of you.

I am not sure what this means to anyone else, but it was quite powerful for me. I certainly try not to let my childhood or past trauma drive my daily life, but I think there’s a part of me that is always worried about the impacts of those times of my life. I know the sayings of what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, which is just ridiculous in so many ways. When you live through these situations, the strength isn’t what you want. You want love and safety, kindness and loyalty.

In fact, as a strong and very independent woman, the only thing I want is to be weak with the right people and most especially in my next serious relationship. I don’t want to be in another relationship with a weak man. I want a man of God, a leader, a protector and kind, gentle man. I don’t want people in my world that I can’t trust to be vulnerable with or share my life experiences without judgment.

What the statement made me realize is that I am not that little girl or traumatized woman anymore. Through the past couple of years, I have become isolated by God to find my truest love for Him and myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a broken woman. I see a woman that has become my own Hero. And for that, I am very proud of all that I have overcome.

With God’s grace and mercy, He is showing my daily who I have become and how much He loves me. I will continue on my current path of prayer, strength with knowledge, growth through wisdom and most of all God’s love. I am so grateful to God for showing me this message today.

~Many Blessings

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