Her Resilient Journey

Dreams…Part 1

March 5, 2025

Faith, Love

I am pretty sure I have always had dreams but over the past few years, they have become so much more than just a simple dream. My dreams have become extremely clear, visual and sometimes interactive in ways that I have never experienced.

I have had a few that are extremely powerful and I become very aware of what the dream is about, the message and whether I am interacting with God, Angels or Demons. All of which I know exist in this world and at times because they very prevalent in my dreams.

One of the most vivid dreams was when I was still drinking daily and I was struggling with it as well as work and just general loneliness. I was traveling non stop for work, every single week and one night while I was in Boston I had a horribly difficult but wonderful realization.

I had been drinking earlier in the night then fell asleep but woke up in a sad state of mind. So, like anyone else I picked up my phone to scroll on social media. I came across a video that had me immediately in tears.

It was a women standing in front of the mirror apologizing for mistreating the little girl inside. Not only did it break my heart, but it felt like it was me. As a mother and grandmother of girls, I couldn’t begin to explain the sadness that came over me. All I could think is what have I done??

As a strong willed single mom, I fought my ass off to make sure my daughter knew she should never put up with anything from anyone. Did this make it difficult for me? Absolutely!! I gave her a voice at a young age, she challenged me in everything and when I would tell her not to do something…well, she did it just to see what would happen and what my reaction would be!

After my childhood of seeing men take advantage of the women around me or in general women just being disrespected unless they were a total bitch, I had a misconception on how I should be treated.

Which led to relationships of abuse, especially in my earlier years. I also thought the only way to get a man to do something right was to scream and yell at him like a crazy person! Just for the record, I found out otherwise as I grew, matured and gained some life experiences.

In the growth of my relationship with God I have learned so much more and I have also realized that God will meet you in the darkest of moments. Like that night in Boston when I realized how much I had been mistreating myself. As I watched that video with the woman in the mirror, I instantly began to sob and beg God to help me. I just didn’t realize how lost I had become, how lonely I really was and how much I had treated myself like I wasn’t to be cherished.

As I laid there crying and praying to God to help me, I apologized to myself. It did take me longer to actually forgive myself for my choices, but it came in time, grace and by loving the real me.

When I fell back asleep I had one of the most incredible dreams of my entire life. It’s when I started researching the Bible, online, books and much more to understand how God speaks to me in my sleep.

Here are the words I typed on my phone the moment I woke up from the dream, the moment when I knew God had spoken to me and when I actually felt God kiss my cheek…

God spoke to me today…

I went to bed early last night. I woke up around 115 and couldn’t sleep with thoughts running thru my mind. I started thinking about where I’m at and what all I’ve been thru and started apologizing to myself. I haven’t been good to the girl I see in the mirror everyday. I’ve numbed her pain and not allowed her to heal completely. I apologized to my self and promise I’ll stop hurting myself. And that I love myself. God made me too precious to allow me to keep holding myself back.

Then, I prayed and fell back asleep. In my dreams a women took my hand as I got out of bed to the front door of a beautiful mansion, when the doors opened and I said “how beautiful, where are we” she said “this is your home” as I asked how she said once “yucca came into your life everything changed” it’s beautiful isn’t it. I asked but how do I get this and she said you just be yourself. Your beautiful when you are good to yourself. Then as I began to walked around with a bunch of people in the house I see a man sitting at a table look up at me and say “well it’s about time you woke up, I’ve been wondering when you would get here” I walked over to see what he was writing at the table when he said no, this isn’t for you. Keep going. I walked around looking and didn’t know where to go so I laid back down to sleep.

I then fell into another dream where another woman took my hand and said come with me, I want you to see this..I walk out on a boat where there’s a chair and others are sitting in the boat as it starts to move, it’s beautiful and looks like Bangkok as we float around and I look everywhere I just say oh this is beautiful and the boat then goes in the water back up again and it’s feels like everything is washed away. I looked to my right to see a sweet couple and the wife says thank you for bringing me here, it’s beautiful man I love you so much. I just looked in awww and said that’s so sweet. She looks at me and says I just love him so much. It’s true love. In my heart I’m so happy for her. She says to me don’t worry you will have true love soon. And I said oh yes? So it’s worth the wait. She said it will come to you soon very soon, it’s on the way.

That’s when I realized God was speaking to me in my dream. I just looked up to the beautiful sky and said thank you God. I know it’s you. He then kissed me on the cheek as I began to wake up.

In the 1st dream their were people gathering at my front door and looking at the stones…which had engraved last will and testament. I’m not sure why or who. In my 2nd dream as I was waking up I heard my brothers voice say my name.

I’ve sat here in aw rewinding these dreams in my mind over and over again. My heart feels light open and aware that God spoke to me. I don’t know what to do but my heart says nothing. Whatever is intended to happened as already been put in His plan. I love you God.

This dream was the beginning of a lot of changes, soul searching and reality checks within myself. It’s also how I lost a lot of so-called friendships/relationships but I gained my self respect.

Once you find yourself, respect yourself the right way and create boundaries; you lose the people that don’t understand the process of growth.

You realize that a lot of people are okay with just staying where they are in a mediocre relationships, toxic marriages, and addiction filled lives. And when you don’t want that for yourself, you become an outsider quickly.

My lessons are not done. I know I still have a lot to learn. But I also have cleared my path for the right kind of people. Most of all, I have a clear mind and heart to hear what God is saying to me…especially in my dreams. I hope everyone gets to experience the “aw moment of God speaking to you today”…I will never forget it.

~Many Blessings

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The single truth

March 4, 2025

Faith, Love

Single over 6 years and counting…

As you know this isn’t my first time being single, I have done it before, many times in fact. Each time seemed short lived, a moment of singleness with some flirting and then here’s another relationship. It always came easy, just met a new guy through friends or going somewhere and things just blossomed.

If you know of anyone single these days, then you most likely know the stories of what a disaster it is to try meeting someone genuine is like now. Everyone has their new tag line of independence, don’t need anyone, red flags, or narcissistic exes or whatever they want to use as the reason why we are all still single. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is there aren’t any good men left… (or women, whichever your hoping to find. )

From my perspective, we have all made excuses and have been exhausted with where to find someone that wants a real connection. I have been approached many times for just a physical hookup or fwb situation that I certainly know how difficult it is to find someone wanting to actually get to know me.

The reason why I believe it’s so difficult is the world is full of a lot of broken people, hurt by someone selfishly wanting just a material lifestyle or just thinking there’s someone better out there. And because of the hurt, there’s a lot of people not wanting to get emotionally involved but still wanting the physical intimacy.

I can understand it and I lived it for a short period of time until I realize how much more lonely I felt when that person wasn’t there or didn’t want to just talk. I would sink even lower and wonder what was wrong with me. In truth, I just needed to be happy being alone and become a happy person with myself.

For my dating attempts, I am impatient and grow tired of short term meaningless text messages whether it be through a dating app or social media platform. It’s really difficult to wow someone with a few sentences. Or find someone interested in more than the appearance of you. And once you have been single for any significant amount of time, you just stop putting in the effort to “find someone”.

I am sure we all want the fairytale meeting of someone that sweeps us off our feet like in the movies, but I am just not sold on the concept. Maybe I am cynical because I have been married so many times or been single for so long now but I truly believe that it doesn’t work like that. But, what I do know without a doubt in my heart is if God wants you to meet someone then He will make it happen.

I guess after all of this time and having been through the singleness phases, I have found truth in what a lot of people will tell you…focus on yourself.

First and foremost, figure out who you are without someone else. Figure out what you are truly interested in and where you want to go. Find a hobby, even if it’s planting flowers or taking a walk at your favorite park. My advice when it’s uncomfortable to go out alone is do the things that you would do in a relationship anyways, go shopping, go to the park, read a book, sit on the porch and listen to the birds. Small steps of things that will take you to the next phase.

I have been fortunate enough to travel a lot for work so traveling solo isn’t so scary for me as it can be for others. But take a road trip to a mall you haven’t been to before or just go for a drive with the music blasting. Get out of your head, the house and find a way to take the steps to being single. It will build your confidence in more ways than you can imagine.

Once you get out of the idea you have to find someone then you begin to realize that you can do anything you want and you begin to realize what you are really interested in.

I won’t tell you I know where to find the next person for a genuine connection because I really have no idea. What I can say is don’t waste your time and money on a dating app, don’t sink into social media…get out there and live your life.

What I have asked God to do for me… is when you want me to know someone, make it a bold meeting, make sure this person stands out in the crowd and most importantly make sure he has a relationship with you first.

I am not looking anymore to find someone except for myself. I know what interests me now, where I want to go and the goals I have for my life. I get up everyday making God the priority and then taking the next step to whatever the day holds.

The things I have learned about myself are sometimes difficult but most always rewarding when I realize why or how I became this way. What is even better is knowing I have the power without someone else’s opinion of being who I want to be.

Now, I am not going to lie to you… it’s not right to say I am happy single all the time and I never have those days of damn, I wish I had someone. Because I do have them, but I let the feelings happen then get up and face the world.

It always helps me to remind myself of how far I have come, all the places I have taken myself, and how proud I am that I keep making things happen in my own life.

Most importantly, I have an incredible relationship with God and that brings me the love, peace and happiness that my heart needs. So, if you can put Him in your life as a priority then you realize how ridiculous it is to look for someone else. That when you truly trust Him to lead your path then you realize your not in control and He will decide when someone is worthy of your time.

~Many Blessings

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My biggest blessings are my kids.

February 19, 2025

Uncategorized

I have been growing so much in recent months, I find I keep coming back to the same thoughts. My biggest blessings in my life have been my kids.

I could spend pages writing about our lives, our trials and our moments of becoming a family. But, when I look back I often feel like I could have always been a better mother. So, let’s let go of the past and realize what we have accomplished as a family.

I am sure we all can relate to Mom guilt, not doing everything right and losing ourselves in life. I have always considered myself a single mom no matter how many times I was married, my kids are mine and I never expected anyone to help guide them.

I am sure they have no idea how many times I put them above and beyond anyone else or what was sacrificed along the way. And the end goal is that they never know but that they always feel loved.

Through the years, I have often prayed about the right way to handle things and though I questioned myself, I always did the best I knew how. Even when I have been wrong and had to painfully recognize that I am not perfect.

As they have become adults and parents, I now get to watch them figure it all out. I get to watch them be a dad and a mom. What I will tell you is that it truly makes my heart happy. They are damn good parents.

I have to believe they wonder sometimes if they are doing everything right too and I pray for the day that they see their kids become reflections of their parenting the same as I do.

As much as I have worked to reconcile several things over the past few years, being a single mom and judging myself for all the times I didn’t do it right has been at the top of the list.

After many days of reflection and prayer, this is how I describe my Mom success: My kids are healthy, safe, and responsible adults. They have found a partner in their lives that they love and in return love them. They have all become parents to some amazing little people. They speak their mind and confide in me for advice or just to vent. They are smart and reasonable, they protect their families and guide them all in a healthy direction. Most of all… they still call and text me when they want to just talk. They still show up for holidays and all make me smile with just their presence.

I believe if after all that we have endured through childhoods, teen years, divorce and many other life events that we can still have a solid family relationship then somehow I am succeeding as a Mom.

~Many Blessings

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The worst year of my career!

February 9, 2025

Faith, How I Survived Abusive Relationships, Work

I have always had an incredible career, blessed beyond words to work with amazing people. All of them strong in their faith and all very respectful coworkers.

I work in the construction industry, so using the words respectful is ironic but it really isn’t. I started on the insurance side of things, in an office professional working in legal, accounting and underwriting departments.

Then, I transitioned to the general contractor side of things, which is a different world of construction but I love it. I love the challenges that happen everyday, those always come and I have always loved it.

Over my career for the construction side, my background is heavy in finance and accounting. Somewhere along the way with upper management changes, that changed.

I have a strong sense of right and wrong, a common sense for “best practices”. When you work with a company that has a “we’ve always done it this way” mentality, you learn very quickly that you can be the outsider in most all ways.

So, I came into my current company over 10 years ago as an Accounting Manager with the original goal of being an Asst. Controller for the region. I honestly just giggled at that sentence, if only I knew what I was walking into! It hasn’t been all bad at all, but what a ride!

About 5 years into my position, there was an upper management change and my direct supervisor changed to a younger (which isn’t my issue) controlling, micro managing type personality. Not only was this her professional style, she also came across as belittling and back stabbing in her management methods. Needless to say, it didn’t last long when I made a complaint to the CFO. After that, I had a dart board on my back and within 8 months, I was removed that position.

That’s a polite way of say she wanted me fired but because I had generated such respect within the office, many managers fought to keep me with the company. So, I made the decision to stay unknowing what I would be doing.

Fortunately, whatever was handed to me, I had (and have) a strong desire to succeed. So, with each challenge, I made it happen. From implementing our operations software with our accounting software to training in the software system across the company.

Then, I had the opportunity to move into an operations position handling a joint venture relationship in Boston. I loved the challenge so much! Getting to know a different demographic, traveling, a new culture of people and being exposed to another segment of our work.

As this was all happening, the division I was assisting needed help navigating the companies policies and best practices within a new construction division, so here I come! My boss asked me to figure out how they work and implement our processes within their division.

Little did I know this would be the most difficult and worst year of my career. The division manager was a bully and so many other things that it isn’t even worth explaining. Everything I tried to implement, he would undermine or stall or act as if he wasn’t aware of the process. He verbally spoke down to me and often spoke ugly about our coworkers and the company. All while trying to manipulate me into thinking we were a team and if he left, I was going with him.

I didn’t realize for well over a year that he wanted me in every meeting, every call to back him up. I was doing all the work and covering his ass all the time. It was a disaster beyond belief, but once I realized how overwhelmed, overworked and emotionally drained I was…I took a huge step back from the office. I stayed in the field training and working with the field teams and far away from him. As I did, the rest came to light to others so all I all, I was letting him fail. Eventually, he was demoted and left the company. But wow, what a mark he left on the project teams, the projects and me.

Having been surrounded by so many incredible people in my career who empowered me to grow and succeed, supportive and positive, this was a nightmare I never expected.

My career had always been my safe place and escape from my personal life. Which is why I worked so hard, such long hours and relentless in being successful. I didn’t mind the sacrifice because I enjoyed the challenges and the respect that came with succeeding.

It’s been over a year since he left the company and I realize how much that year derailed my career path. I transitioned into a new role in our legal department handing defaults and insurance claims. I like learning something new but it’s not nearly as challenging as I am used to. I am still trying to get used to the slower pace, less demanding role and having a lot of time on my hands.

When I look back on the year with this bad division manager, I feel like I left an abusive relationship. I never made all the issues known to the company but it’s clear by every employee that worked with him that it was a horrible experience.

It’s crazy to realize that such a bad experience at work can affect you in such a way that you feel beat up and worn down. I have had to heal from this the same way I had to heal from past personal relationships. I just didn’t realize it until recently that I was holding onto the pain of being treated so badly by someone I worked with. I just for granted that work was my safe place and it wasn’t at all that way.

In the process, I have also accepted that I didn’t need to give so much of myself to my employer. I now have a very healthy work life balance that I have never had and if I am being honest, didn’t know I needed. It has allowed me to focus on other areas of my life such as a healthier lifestyle. A better relationship with myself, God and my kids. And whenever I meet the next partner in this world, I will be in a better place to give it an honest attempt to succeed rather than sabotaging it with work first and life second.

~Many Blessings

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Marriage? Yeah, right!

January 11, 2025

childhood, divorce, Faith, Love, Marriage as a Teenager

Six marriages later…

Yes, you read that right, SIX marriages later and I am still trying to understand why marriage will never work for me. I can certainly tell you the reason why each one didn’t work out. Whether it be age, immaturity, abuse, lack of commitment or just simply it should have never been a marriage.

There’s a story with each man, each phase of life or season, however you want to define it. One thing I know for sure, is that in my mind living happily ever after meant marriage and big family to me. As crazy as it might sound, I got exactly what I wished for, but certainly not the way I ever dreamed.

If you read one of my earlier blogs then you know my first marriage was at 16 to my high school boyfriend. As a means to keep from going to juvenile detention center and just being scared, this how my marriage journey began. I remember the day my boyfriend and I talked about it, he said I love you and I want to marry you. I looked at him and said, are you sure we love each other enough to get married? In later years and a lifetime later, that question was the right question.

In fact, at the beginning of each of my marriages I knew exactly what the reason was that the relationship would not last. Each one had a deal breaker as to why it would not be forever for me, yet each time I said yes and tried again.

Each time they ended, it reaffirmed my thinking that none of them would ever last. Eventually, I went into any relationship looking for the one thing that would cause it to end, never really giving the guy a chance if I am being honest.

Did I love any of them? Absolutely, as crazy as it might be to think you can find love that many times, I did. But, with each one it was in a very different way. Most likely because I never knew what it meant to completely love someone, unconditionally without reservation. I did love each one the only way I knew how and each one loved me in the only way they knew. It just wasn’t whole heartedly unconditional love that was enough to make it through anything and everything.

Now, let me also say that I have lived through abusive relationships in some of these as well. All types of emotional, mental and physical abuse did happen. I dealt with partners that were children of abusive homes or addiction issues. So, it’s not as if I have an ultimate fear of commitment or don’t want a long term relationship. But, for whatever the reason I have been drawn to broken individuals or I was broken and they have tried to “fix things”.

I am sharing this part of my journey for context mainly, to give some background on the situations I have endured. So, when I blog in the future about challenges as well as God’s grace, redirection and mercy it all ties back to my testimony about my Faith.

I used to be highly embarrassed about this part of my life. I would keep my personal life extremely personal. I would share very little with friends and would never share what my life was about at work or with coworkers. I would never even consider having a coworker on my social media platforms either.

Over the past few years, with God’s direction He placed it on my heart to own my story. So, that mindset of embarrassment has changed in so many ways. My closest and most respected relationships are with some of my coworkers, that have also been some of the strongest voices in my healing. They are on my social media and I share my personal life moments. We have some of the most honest conversations and accountability of each other that I have ever had in my life relationships.

I am more open on social media, I share my story in this blog and I am working to build a presence on other platforms. I speak openly about the trials over the past few years. I have openly spoke about the assault in 2021 as well as my counseling success and have started sharing my childhood traumas with my daughter.

All of these changes have occurred because I stopped being embarrassed about the life I have lived and most importantly the six marriages. I trust God and I know that His plan was in place long before the first I do and the last divorce.

I also know that with each step of owning my story I get closer to the love that I deserve from myself. Because if we are being completely honest, this all starts with the lack of self love and looking for the happily ever after in someone else rather than in myself.

Now, will I ever get married again? No, I won’t. I know that the right man will understand that it isn’t about the certificate of marriage, it’s about the commitment of unconditional love. I know that God will not place another broken man in my life and that when a relationship happens again; I will not be the broken woman with the lack of self love.

So, let’s count this blog as one more step towards my healing, sharing my testimony and owning my story. We all have one and none of us should be ashamed to share what we have lived through. And today, in this moment, I would not change one single thing to live in the life of God’s love. I am living my happily ever after every single day.

~Many Blessings

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I said No to drinking…

January 9, 2025

Uncategorized

It look me a very long time to learn to say “No” to things I didn’t want in my life. But saying No isn’t just to things; it’s about places, people and situations and essentially any of your choices.

About 2 years ago I decided to stop drinking, for a long list of reasons. First, it was the center point of every single day with my last ex-husband. It was the first thing that he handed me every day when I came home from work. I worked in an office, usually long days and as soon as he saw me come up the driveway, there was a drink in his hand and most of the time a shot beside it. At first, I thought oh look, he’s spoiling me?! But in hindsight, he was crippling me and I was allowing it to happen.

When we met, we had both recently lost a parent. I had lost my Mom and he had lost his Dad. So, trauma bonding over the loss was how our relationship began and in truth, we were disconnected from the real grief most of the time. At first, it was smoking weed and a little drinking. Then, when I wanted to get back to a real job, so I stopped smoking and would only drink. Over the course of a couple of years, I was drinking, drunk and hungover more than I had ever been in my life. Which in your 40’s, is saying a lot. Having grown up in an alcoholic father, I just never wanted to be that kind of drinking person. But, it happened and I was certainly “one of those” drinkers.

I am not sure where the lines blurred from having a few drinks after work to chill, then to have fun and then to drink my problems away all happened, but it did. I was so tired of being that person, but it felt like the moment I would let my drink empty, he was refilling it. Once I realized how much he was over serving me (or us), I stopped letting him make my drinks. Then, I began to add more mix to mine than alcohol at which point is when I realized how out of control things had gotten.

That’s when I decided to say No to drinking and it all blew up. I wasn’t perfect, I struggled with not wanting to have a drink but the bigger struggle was getting him to stop bringing it home. Making it clear to him that we needed to stop, he would agree and then show up again with bottles of vodka and whiskey.

Once we finally separated and divorced, it was up to me to reflect about the end of the relationship no matter how difficult. It wasn’t just about the drinking and abuse, it was about so much more than that. It was clear that there was a demon in the middle of the relationship that wasn’t going to let go. It was definitely time to close the relationship chapter and figure out what was next for myself.

What was next was the single girl that could be free to have a good time anytime. What a mess that became, being the only single friend that could go out any day of the week. So as you can imagine, the drinking continued for a while anyways. Then, after free spirited behavior, more drinking and more fun it all came crashing down.

Christmas of 2021, a sexual assault happened to me when I had been drinking, then life changed. A lot. I would love to say that this is when I stopped drinking, but it wasn’t. I tried to forget it happened, ignore it, work through it, run from it, you name it…I tried it all except to face it, process it and heal.

Sadly, what I did do was drink more and more often. I ended up having a couple of embarrassing conversations with HR about my drinking at company functions, which had never happened before. I didn’t realize was how I was spiraling out of the control due to something I had never encountered before as an adult woman. I tried to drink it away to forget, then I started burying myself in work travel and just running away from being at home. As you can imagine, none of it worked.

By the grace of God and the angels He places in our life, I had a young coworker that brought it to my attention that my level of emotional stress at work was something he witnessed his own Mom go through in which she was given some advice to get some help and step back before it killed her. So, I took that message to heart and did exactly that. I called a counselor and was in within a week.

My counselor recommended a treatment for me called EMDR, which takes the memories and places them in the long term memory placement of your brain. You are also able to manage the memory and recreate the situation and how you handled it. My choice was to relive that Christmas somewhere else in a place I loved to visit which is San Diego. It doesn’t mean I don’t know what happened, I am just not triggered by the holiday, the actual incident or the person any longer. It honestly felt like I got my life back, but there was more work to do to really heal.

The first and most important step was building my relationship with God. Once I reached out to Him, He made it clear on my heart what I needed to do and what His desire was for my life. First thing I did was stopped drinking.

With that choice then it means you lose a lot or all of your friends and honestly, I after some time you realize you didn’t lose anything. You removed social friends, people that didn’t have goals, and people that weren’t happy with themselves. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for them because I truly do and miss some of them, but I don’t miss the old me. I don’t miss the lost time, the meaningless conversations or the emptiness of waking up wondering what happened or hungover.

With the power of saying No to drinking I gave myself a direction, a clear mind and time to figure out who I really am. Figuring out who I am at this stage of my life has been scary, free and fun. I realize the possibilities are endless and only limited by what I think.

The one thing I know without a doubt is my relationship with God will always be first. I wake up every morning to read scripture and pray, asking for the guidance He wants me to have. Most importantly, I ask that He places in my heart what I need to do and I listen.

So, after I stopped drinking the next thing that was on my heart was going to the gym and focusing on my own health. Scary?? Yes, absolutely! But, I am doing it and I have found out that I love it. I feel good for the discipline and feel happy because I know it’s what my direction is right now.

What’s next? I am studying for a professional license that I have always wanted. I don’t have any plans to change my career, but it’s what I know I want and it’s what has been placed on my heart. So, here we go!

I don’t know what is next and I know it’s scary to step outside of the comfort zone I have always known, but I know if you keep your Faith in God then you will not fail. I trust Him to not lead me wrong and as many times as He has saved me, I would rather follow Him then make my own choices.

~ Many Blessings

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Trauma bond relationships learned at a young age.

January 7, 2025

Uncategorized

I didn’t realize how real the trauma bond relationships were until the past few years. In all honesty, I guess I never really thought about it until recently. But, in hindsight I realize how I found myself in relationships with men when there was some sort of turmoil involved.

I had a disruptive and somewhat dysfunctional childhood. Even though I realize how much my Mom tried to keep things normal at times, she was far from emotionally stable to do so while raising two children. My Dad was a good looking, smooth talking functioning alcoholic. He worked everyday then went to the bar and home later until he didn’t come home at all on a regular basis.

I guess you don’t realize what transforms in a young mind watching this scenario play out at 10 years old. For me, I just thought it was all my Mom’s fault. Every time Dad came home, she was mad and yelling then he would leave again. I remember thinking to myself, if you would just stop yelling he would stay home. Clearly, I had no concept of what was happening.

I grew up in a situation where we just acted like nothing was happening, continued going to school and ignoring the situation. We definitely discuss what Dad was or wasn’t doing.

Eventually, they separated and here came a long custody battle. Not sure what Dad was doing other than trying to hurt Mom. And in my memories, Mom was just trying to hurt Dad too. Neither one took into account how their behavior was affecting two kids.

My Mom ended up winning full custody of my brother and me, then she packed up my Dad’s things and he was done. I remember being so angry and being a smart mouth little girl, my Mom and I just didn’t get along during this time. Her anger and emotions were out of control and rightfully so, but it was just too much for her. So, one day she packed me up and sent me to live with my Dad and his uh, girlfriend?

At this point, the direction for me as child, preteen, and teenager were rocky to say the least. As a young girl I was surrounded with adults under the influence of alcohol or drugs often. There were also encounters of abuse that I dealt with that were so traumatic for my young brain that I didn’t recall the memories until much later. There were also times when I was given something to knock me out so my memories were sometime vague and foggy at best.

At age 16, I was perceived as a “problem child”. During a crazy turn of teenager actions I ended up married at age 16 simply because I was skipping school to spend time with my boyfriend and his friends at Taco Bueno. You just can’t make these events up, it really was that ridiculous. But, when your Dad is now living in a new girlfriends house, with all of us kids together, she had control.

I have a lot of other stories that can help explain why I was an embarrassment to the new girlfriend and her quarterback star son, but the easiest to explain was he was struggling with the loss of his Dad. So, he turned to smoking weed and when he was about to get in trouble for it, planted in my car so when it was found I was immediately the problem. They constantly accused me of coming home high and grounded me from leaving the house. (For the record, I had never smoked weed and had no idea even where to get it from.) So, when they grounded me I would skip school to see my boyfriend and eat lunch with him since he had an offsite pass.

One day while we were gone eating lunch, we came back to get my car and it was gone. Dad’s girlfriend had my car removed and left a voice mail on my boyfriends house phone. I was given an ultimatum that I could either go to juvenile detention center or I can get married but I was never to come back to her house.

Now, can you imagine the kind of situation I was in at age 16 years old to choose what to do?

You are probably wondering where my Mom is in this current chaotic time, she was living in Houston or Austin at the time. I can’t remember exactly since we didn’t talk. Once she sent me to live with my Dad, the relationship was beyond strained and she made little effort to resolve it. And eventually sent my brother to live with us as well, which also made me so upset. He doesn’t know this, but I didn’t want him to come and it wasn’t because I didn’t want him with me but because I knew it wasn’t a good environment for him. Even after being separated for a couple of years from each other, I guess the big sister instinct was still there wanting to protect him.

Needless to say at age 16, my Dad signed for me to get married to my high school boyfriend. This is only one of the many examples I have of trauma bond relationships in my life. I think it’s fair to say that most all of my serious relationships or rather marriages were the results of some sort of emotional trauma bond.

It would not be until I am in my 50’s before I began to realize how my childhood shaped my future, my choices in men and even my friendships. If someone is in pain or needs help, I am right there fighting for you and for what is right every step of the way. Even to my own detriment, I would sacrifice myself to make sure someone I care for doesn’t hurt.

Now, I have stepped back from all of those types of relationships to create boundaries for myself. Once I chose a path of peace, things have changed tremendously all around me. I lost all of my friendships and I have chosen not to focus on dating for well over a year. Do I miss the friends and meeting new people? Yes, of course a part of me does. But, what I have found in the time of isolation is myself and I would not trade it for anything in the world.

~Many Blessings

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Selfish Parents

November 26, 2024

childhood, divorce, The Early Years

I completely understand there are thousands of stories of children all over the world that haven’t had a healthy childhood and mine in comparison isn’t anywhere near the worst. I can only relate to my own personal journey and my own memories.

I suppose in a healthy and normal childhood we grow up thinking that our parents were too strict or didn’t let us have all the things we wanted. For myself, I grew up in the 70’s with a what seemed as a “normal” family. During my early childhood years, what I remember were good memories at grandparents, with aunts, uncles, cousins and family around the holidays. But, most all of that disappeared before the age of 8 and then my parents separated by age 11.

By the age of 9 my parents were fighting constantly. At the time, it seemed like every day when my Dad came home from work, my mom was just always pissed off at him. Yelling at him, he would get mad, they would fight and he would leave again. Eventually, he wasn’t coming home and when he did it was for a couple of days and then he was gone again.

I didn’t realize that he was going to the bars after work every day, drinking too much, meeting other women and running around on my mom. While she was working and trying to keep two kids going to school and a house together.

Eventually what was bad went to worse, they separated then a horrible custody battle began between the them for custody of us. I am not sure I understand why my dad was fighting for custody other than to hurt my mom, avoid child support payments or pride. It was most likely all three of those reasons.

Once the custody battle was over and my mom received full custody, it was just an angry time for me. During those years, nobody got divorced and it certainly wasn’t discussed outside of the home. I didn’t understand what was happening but all I knew was every time my Dad showed up, my Mom yelled and ran him off.

By age 12, I was angry at her, missed him and didn’t understand anything that was going on. My Mom and I were arguing all the time, we were both angry and hurt. So when you take in account that neither one of us knew how to manage our emotions, it wasn’t a happy home for anyone. I am not sure I remember the breaking point for her, but my memories of it all are vague at best.

All I do know is that before I even realized what was happening, my mom had packed up my clothes and sent me to live with my Dad. He was in an efficiency apartment in a bad part of Dallas, with a young girlfriend that just wanted to be my best friend.

My Mom and brother moved in with my grandparents so my Mom could work, get back on her feet financially and rebuild her life, I guess. She eventually moved out and my brother stayed with my grandparents.

In my opinion, this period of time are the examples of how my parents stopped being parents. It’s certainly not the worst part of my childhood, but it’s when my parents decided they had a choice on when to be a parent.

My Dad stopped being a husband and father when he decided the bar was more important than his family. In fact, his alcoholism impacted our lives for several years after their divorce.

My Mom stopped being a mother when my dad hurt her so badly that she seemingly decided she couldn’t cope. Or that’s what I think happened, I honestly never had a conversation with my Mom to ask. As we know, my perception was my reality.

What I do know is that we all have to live with our decisions and they both had to live with theirs. I am not sure that either one of them fully understand how these early decisions shaped the rest of our childhood or the rest of lives for that matter.

As a result of these challenges, I pray everyday that I became a better Mom because of this journey.

~Many Blessings

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Winery

October 14, 2024

Friendship, Uncategorized

One of my closest friends had asked if I wanted to be her plus one on a girls trip to a hot air balloon festival. She had also invited another friend that I had recently met and one of her good friends also joined us. I was really looking forward to the trip. It had been a while since I had planned a girls getaway.

In the last few months, I had lost my best friend, not in death but the relationship was longer what it once was. When I realized it, it hurt just the same as losing her in this world. I had to grieve and find the acceptance that her life priorities had shifted. We kept planning to get together and each time, she would cancel, over and over again.

Then one day, I stepped back to realize that when we spoke on the phone it was rarely about me or to ask how I was doing. That even when she knew I was having difficult times, she didn’t call or text to check in. But, when she was having a difficult time, she would call for support. It was a one-sided friendship. So, I stepped away.

As we prepared for the girls trip to the winery, we got together for brunch to discuss plans. What we were wearing, where else did we want to go for shopping, restaurants and all the other things. I was so excited to have more genuine girlfriends and it was the first trip with my close friend. So, let’s get this adventure started!

One of the ladies picked each of us up the morning of the hot air balloon festival then off we go on our 4 hour road trip through the hill country of southwest Texas. We all talked and laughed non stop all the way there. It was a beautiful day, partly cloudy and not as hot as it can be on an August day.

We arrived at the winery where the festival was being held, each grabbing a glass of wine then checking everything out. They had safari animals, live music playing and different little photo props all around the property. We went on safari tour, then decided to sit in our VIP area and watch the polo match. After a while we wanted to go take some photo’s of the world’s largest pizza and some at the photo props so back to the festival area we went. In hindsight, this is where it all began to go wrong but we didn’t realize until much later.

A beautiful evening event, taking pictures, watching more polo then having dinner at the VIP tables. All of us waiting for the hot air balloons to come out and us getting enjoy our tethered rides in the night sky, we were so excited!

Instead of the beautiful evening, my close friend ended up having to “take care of me” as my behavior was out of character and unusual to say the least. At the time, she was frustrated thinking that I had “too much to drink” and just couldn’t hold it together. They ended up taking me to the car and one of the friends who is a nurse immediately said someone put something in her drink. My close friend, you really think that happened?

We got to the Airbnb, I suppose I was trying to attempt to get out of the car and I fell face first onto the concrete driveway. Busted my lips, hurt my nose, gave myself a black and scraped my nose. Along with a concussion and terribly hurt my back, neck and jaw.

The next morning, I woke up mortified, confused, hurting and thinking did I really get wasted on wine?? I had never gotten blackout drunk on few glasses of wine, I was so just so confused. I walk into the living room where my close friend was sitting and she asked how I was feeling, which I replied I am mortified and I am sorry. She said nothing in return. She left for a walk and I went to rest. When the other ladies got up, I went to apologize to them as well and immediately the friend that is a nurse said “No! Do not apologize I am convinced someone put something in your drink!!”

As we all three sat there to replay the events from the previous day, I realized the last clear conversation I remembered was when we went to take photos at the props at 3pm. We did set our drinks down to take pictures, which hindsight was the wrong thing to do. As my close friend returned from her walk to hear what was being said, she did not join the conversation. As I was speaking, I had made mention that as many times as we had been drinking together she would know if my behavior was out of the ordinary, of which she still said nothing.

I powered through the rest of the weekend because I didn’t want to ruin the plans we had made. My eye was starting to bruise more, my lips looked horrible, but I held on still posing for all the selfies for our girls weekend. I could tell that my close friend was annoyed with me, kind of distancing from me a bit. The nurse friend and I were walking together a little further back from the other ladies as we were talking about what had happened to me the day before she made mention I don’t think your close friend believes your drink was drugged. I said, yeah I could tell she wasn’t convinced of it. But the nurse insisted she sees it all the time and she knows that’s what happened and for me not to give it a second thought. All I could do is try not to let the entire ordeal upset me or ruin the rest of the trip.

As we were driving home, still talking almost nonstop about all sorts of things, we still continued to try determine who, what and where someone could have put something in my wine. One of the ladies said you know, I really wish you would have bought a drug test just to give yourself peace of mind as to what was put in your wine. So the nurse friend helped me find what to buy on Amazon and paid extra for it to be delivered the day I got home. The close friend, still not saying a word.

When I say she is a close friend, let me elaborate, we have been friends almost 10 years. We went through our divorces at the same exact time. I help pick up her girls when they need rides, she has a key my house since I live alone for safety reasons. We saw each at our worst during the divorces and we have supported each other as we have grown far past the bad decisions. With these bad decisions, we have been drunk and acted like fools together many times.

We arrive back in town, I could barely move by the time I got home. I was so sore, dizzy and just overall exhausted. I sit down to FaceTime my daughter and she just about lost it when she saw my face, it really did look like I got my ass beat. We talked for hours through the whole ordeal, retraced all my steps, all the discussions I had with the two friends and still so confused.

Then the drug test arrives, which then confirms that I was drugged. The emotions that immediately come over you when your validated are overwhelming. I knew in my gut what had happened, but still somewhat doubted myself.

My girlfriends all had a group text so we could share the excitement getting ready for the trip so I shared the results of the drug test which is when my close friend finally accepted the situation.

Weeks later we saw each other and she acted as if nothing had ever happened, asked how my “ankle” was feeling because on top of everything else I had also slipped and hurt my ankle the same weekend but made no mentioned of my concussion, black eye or busted lip?? As time went on, she still never ever asked how I was or mentioned the event. Not one time, she absolutely acted as if the entire ordeal never happened to me at all.

For those of you who have been through something like this, you understand the feeling of someone taking away your control and making you feel like a victim. The victimization is real and emotional, it’s not something you pretend didn’t happen. You cannot just act like it didn’t happen, it’s a violation. I decided to speak to my counselor and also share my experience on social media as a PSA all friends, parents, sisters and daughters that this can happen to anyone, anytime and anywhere.

My close friend is on the social media platform I shared the ordeal on and never made a comment, our friendship has since parted ways. I believe God shows you the true character of the people around you when you least expect it. I believe that He knows the words that are spoken about you in rooms you are not in to defend yourself in and in my gut, the conversations had changed when I began to grow past the relationship.

Please stay safe, watch out for yourselves and your friends, if they begin to act out of character seek help. It’s always better to be safe.

~Many Blessings

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The “Why” behind the blog

September 4, 2024

Faith, Love, The Why

To give an understanding of why I started writing this blog about my journey.

I want to share how I faced many life challenges, how I embraced changes, overcame obstacles I didn’t know I would ever face in this world. Found inner strength and built a relationship with God. How I learned His is the only love I ever needed besides the love for myself. How one day I realized I needed to stop hurting the little girl inside me and love her the way God loved her. I will share how God saved my life many times, how He speaks to me in my dreams and answers my prayers. He has placed it on my heart to share my testimony and this is the platform in which I intend to do so.

I have had a life that has taught me to be resilient over and over again. From childhood all the way through my adulthood, through my parenting and now into my second phase of my life. And that when you read the sad parts, please know it follows with some incredibly happy times of my life as well. I intend to share the celebrations and all the love along the way. I absolutely love my life and I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to share my journey. ~Love Always

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