I couldn’t decide how to title this post; it seems like a simple question but is it really? In all that I am starting to understand about myself these days, I am accepting there is a core foundation in my childhood that fell apart early.
At an early age of 9, all I can remember is my parents fighting. My mom always yelling at my dad and my dad coming home late all the time. Then eventually, he wouldn’t come home for a few days. By age 10, I was wishing they would get a divorce so they would stop arguing. I just wanted the fighting to stop.
My mom was probably falling apart during these years, but I wouldn’t really know that until much later in my life. In my memory, all I remember is my brother and I being sent to our rooms all the time. When I would peek out the door, she would be listening to music, smoking a cigarette and drinking Dr. Pepper. Completely ignoring the rest of the world and us.
By age 11, mom and dad had separated, then came a divorce along with a child custody battle. I will never understand the custody battle other than it was a pure fight between the two of them to continue to hurt each other. Which of course hurt us, confused us and still made me feel alone. I won’t speak for my brother; he’s much more closed off with his emotions than I am.
When it all came down to it, mom won the custody case and before age 12, she sent me to live with my dad and his girlfriend. That’s probably where I began to have abandonment issues, but quite possibly it could have been earlier with the lack of attention or a nurturing love.
As I type about these earlier years, I realize that I was just living in constant chaos from an early age. From my parents’ divorce to my dad’s insane relationship with the woman that assaulted me to the next relationship with the woman that gave me the ultimatum of juvenile detention or marriage at the age of 16.
It truly is a God Story when I think back over the years and all that has been endured. In the moment, you don’t realize it, but you are surviving every single day. Every decision whether I made it or someone else did, I was just trying to figure it out the best way possible.
So that’s brought me to a pivotal moment recently on how did I become a Mom? I don’t mean in the physical meaning, but how on earth did I even know how to do it?
How did I know to create a safe space for my children, a home of happiness and fun. A place of acceptance and forever love. A foundation that says this is your home and you are always welcome. I will forever fight for you and forever have your back. My kids know I am not perfect, but they know they can call on me when it matters.
I realized not long ago that I was genuinely trying to figure out how to be a mom, loving them with my entire self and provide as best as possible while trying to grow up.
I can assure you that I messed up a lot. I can proudly say they never experienced the same hostile environment as I did as a child. Neither of them was a victim of the same childhood abuse traumas. I worked hard to make sure they were kids as long as possible. I didn’t have chore lists or teach them to do laundry, I knew they would learn those things when they were grown.
For reference, I didn’t know my mom from ages 12-24. She was in my life on a very limited basis. I am grateful I finally got to spend time with her and get to know her later in life. But as you can imagine the time without her made me want to be everything that she chose not to be for me.
On this earth we don’t understand many things, but as you put your Faith in God it brings the clarity and the love that you are looking for in each person including your parents.
I found forgiveness for my mom that I didn’t know I needed to give her or myself. I thank God daily for grace in the pieces of me that I kept hidden for all this time. Of course, they were never hidden from Him.
~Many Blessings
Her Resilient Journey 