It look me a very long time to learn to say “No” to things I didn’t want in my life. But saying No isn’t just to things; it’s about places, people and situations and essentially any of your choices.

About 2 years ago I decided to stop drinking, for a long list of reasons. First, it was the center point of every single day with my last ex-husband. It was the first thing that he handed me every day when I came home from work. I worked in an office, usually long days and as soon as he saw me come up the driveway, there was a drink in his hand and most of the time a shot beside it. At first, I thought oh look, he’s spoiling me?! But in hindsight, he was crippling me and I was allowing it to happen.

When we met, we had both recently lost a parent. I had lost my Mom and he had lost his Dad. So, trauma bonding over the loss was how our relationship began and in truth, we were disconnected from the real grief most of the time. At first, it was smoking weed and a little drinking. Then, when I wanted to get back to a real job, so I stopped smoking and would only drink. Over the course of a couple of years, I was drinking, drunk and hungover more than I had ever been in my life. Which in your 40’s, is saying a lot. Having grown up in an alcoholic father, I just never wanted to be that kind of drinking person. But, it happened and I was certainly “one of those” drinkers.

I am not sure where the lines blurred from having a few drinks after work to chill, then to have fun and then to drink my problems away all happened, but it did. I was so tired of being that person, but it felt like the moment I would let my drink empty, he was refilling it. Once I realized how much he was over serving me (or us), I stopped letting him make my drinks. Then, I began to add more mix to mine than alcohol at which point is when I realized how out of control things had gotten.

That’s when I decided to say No to drinking and it all blew up. I wasn’t perfect, I struggled with not wanting to have a drink but the bigger struggle was getting him to stop bringing it home. Making it clear to him that we needed to stop, he would agree and then show up again with bottles of vodka and whiskey.

Once we finally separated and divorced, it was up to me to reflect about the end of the relationship no matter how difficult. It wasn’t just about the drinking and abuse, it was about so much more than that. It was clear that there was a demon in the middle of the relationship that wasn’t going to let go. It was definitely time to close the relationship chapter and figure out what was next for myself.

What was next was the single girl that could be free to have a good time anytime. What a mess that became, being the only single friend that could go out any day of the week. So as you can imagine, the drinking continued for a while anyways. Then, after free spirited behavior, more drinking and more fun it all came crashing down.

Christmas of 2021, a sexual assault happened to me when I had been drinking, then life changed. A lot. I would love to say that this is when I stopped drinking, but it wasn’t. I tried to forget it happened, ignore it, work through it, run from it, you name it…I tried it all except to face it, process it and heal.

Sadly, what I did do was drink more and more often. I ended up having a couple of embarrassing conversations with HR about my drinking at company functions, which had never happened before. I didn’t realize was how I was spiraling out of the control due to something I had never encountered before as an adult woman. I tried to drink it away to forget, then I started burying myself in work travel and just running away from being at home. As you can imagine, none of it worked.

By the grace of God and the angels He places in our life, I had a young coworker that brought it to my attention that my level of emotional stress at work was something he witnessed his own Mom go through in which she was given some advice to get some help and step back before it killed her. So, I took that message to heart and did exactly that. I called a counselor and was in within a week.

My counselor recommended a treatment for me called EMDR, which takes the memories and places them in the long term memory placement of your brain. You are also able to manage the memory and recreate the situation and how you handled it. My choice was to relive that Christmas somewhere else in a place I loved to visit which is San Diego. It doesn’t mean I don’t know what happened, I am just not triggered by the holiday, the actual incident or the person any longer. It honestly felt like I got my life back, but there was more work to do to really heal.

The first and most important step was building my relationship with God. Once I reached out to Him, He made it clear on my heart what I needed to do and what His desire was for my life. First thing I did was stopped drinking.

With that choice then it means you lose a lot or all of your friends and honestly, I after some time you realize you didn’t lose anything. You removed social friends, people that didn’t have goals, and people that weren’t happy with themselves. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for them because I truly do and miss some of them, but I don’t miss the old me. I don’t miss the lost time, the meaningless conversations or the emptiness of waking up wondering what happened or hungover.

With the power of saying No to drinking I gave myself a direction, a clear mind and time to figure out who I really am. Figuring out who I am at this stage of my life has been scary, free and fun. I realize the possibilities are endless and only limited by what I think.

The one thing I know without a doubt is my relationship with God will always be first. I wake up every morning to read scripture and pray, asking for the guidance He wants me to have. Most importantly, I ask that He places in my heart what I need to do and I listen.

So, after I stopped drinking the next thing that was on my heart was going to the gym and focusing on my own health. Scary?? Yes, absolutely! But, I am doing it and I have found out that I love it. I feel good for the discipline and feel happy because I know it’s what my direction is right now.

What’s next? I am studying for a professional license that I have always wanted. I don’t have any plans to change my career, but it’s what I know I want and it’s what has been placed on my heart. So, here we go!

I don’t know what is next and I know it’s scary to step outside of the comfort zone I have always known, but I know if you keep your Faith in God then you will not fail. I trust Him to not lead me wrong and as many times as He has saved me, I would rather follow Him then make my own choices.

~ Many Blessings