I didn’t realize how real the trauma bond relationships were until the past few years. In all honesty, I guess I never really thought about it until recently. But, in hindsight I realize how I found myself in relationships with men when there was some sort of turmoil involved.

I had a disruptive and somewhat dysfunctional childhood. Even though I realize how much my Mom tried to keep things normal at times, she was far from emotionally stable to do so while raising two children. My Dad was a good looking, smooth talking functioning alcoholic. He worked everyday then went to the bar and home later until he didn’t come home at all on a regular basis.

I guess you don’t realize what transforms in a young mind watching this scenario play out at 10 years old. For me, I just thought it was all my Mom’s fault. Every time Dad came home, she was mad and yelling then he would leave again. I remember thinking to myself, if you would just stop yelling he would stay home. Clearly, I had no concept of what was happening.

I grew up in a situation where we just acted like nothing was happening, continued going to school and ignoring the situation. We definitely discuss what Dad was or wasn’t doing.

Eventually, they separated and here came a long custody battle. Not sure what Dad was doing other than trying to hurt Mom. And in my memories, Mom was just trying to hurt Dad too. Neither one took into account how their behavior was affecting two kids.

My Mom ended up winning full custody of my brother and me, then she packed up my Dad’s things and he was done. I remember being so angry and being a smart mouth little girl, my Mom and I just didn’t get along during this time. Her anger and emotions were out of control and rightfully so, but it was just too much for her. So, one day she packed me up and sent me to live with my Dad and his uh, girlfriend?

At this point, the direction for me as child, preteen, and teenager were rocky to say the least. As a young girl I was surrounded with adults under the influence of alcohol or drugs often. There were also encounters of abuse that I dealt with that were so traumatic for my young brain that I didn’t recall the memories until much later. There were also times when I was given something to knock me out so my memories were sometime vague and foggy at best.

At age 16, I was perceived as a “problem child”. During a crazy turn of teenager actions I ended up married at age 16 simply because I was skipping school to spend time with my boyfriend and his friends at Taco Bueno. You just can’t make these events up, it really was that ridiculous. But, when your Dad is now living in a new girlfriends house, with all of us kids together, she had control.

I have a lot of other stories that can help explain why I was an embarrassment to the new girlfriend and her quarterback star son, but the easiest to explain was he was struggling with the loss of his Dad. So, he turned to smoking weed and when he was about to get in trouble for it, planted in my car so when it was found I was immediately the problem. They constantly accused me of coming home high and grounded me from leaving the house. (For the record, I had never smoked weed and had no idea even where to get it from.) So, when they grounded me I would skip school to see my boyfriend and eat lunch with him since he had an offsite pass.

One day while we were gone eating lunch, we came back to get my car and it was gone. Dad’s girlfriend had my car removed and left a voice mail on my boyfriends house phone. I was given an ultimatum that I could either go to juvenile detention center or I can get married but I was never to come back to her house.

Now, can you imagine the kind of situation I was in at age 16 years old to choose what to do?

You are probably wondering where my Mom is in this current chaotic time, she was living in Houston or Austin at the time. I can’t remember exactly since we didn’t talk. Once she sent me to live with my Dad, the relationship was beyond strained and she made little effort to resolve it. And eventually sent my brother to live with us as well, which also made me so upset. He doesn’t know this, but I didn’t want him to come and it wasn’t because I didn’t want him with me but because I knew it wasn’t a good environment for him. Even after being separated for a couple of years from each other, I guess the big sister instinct was still there wanting to protect him.

Needless to say at age 16, my Dad signed for me to get married to my high school boyfriend. This is only one of the many examples I have of trauma bond relationships in my life. I think it’s fair to say that most all of my serious relationships or rather marriages were the results of some sort of emotional trauma bond.

It would not be until I am in my 50’s before I began to realize how my childhood shaped my future, my choices in men and even my friendships. If someone is in pain or needs help, I am right there fighting for you and for what is right every step of the way. Even to my own detriment, I would sacrifice myself to make sure someone I care for doesn’t hurt.

Now, I have stepped back from all of those types of relationships to create boundaries for myself. Once I chose a path of peace, things have changed tremendously all around me. I lost all of my friendships and I have chosen not to focus on dating for well over a year. Do I miss the friends and meeting new people? Yes, of course a part of me does. But, what I have found in the time of isolation is myself and I would not trade it for anything in the world.

~Many Blessings